The Art Of Peeing – To Stand Or Sit

           The Art Of Peeing – To Stand Or Sit …. That Is The Question

PeeingMan
A bit of conversation overheard from two couples at a nearby table at a local restaurant went something like this – “I’m the only one in this relationship that sits down to pee!!” Actually, that is the exact quote. And it begs the question, “Why in the world would anyone care how someone else pees?”

 
There is nothing macho or manly about being able to pee standing up, it is just a happy accident of nature due entirely to a male’s plumbing and has nothing to do with his testosterone count! And having this ability has as many drawbacks as advantages.
Don’t get me wrong, being able to pee standing up is a marvelous ability to possess and comes in handy in so many outdoor situations. In the woods. On a golf course. In a boat. In an alley outside a bar. Hiding behind an open car door on the side of the interstate. But this convenience is counterbalanced by the fact that, when we are home, peeing standing up is just plain messy!!

 
As one who cleans the bathrooms in our home, I am here to tell you that men are the messiest urinators on the planet! That stuff ends up running down the side of the toilet bowl, on the bottom of the lid and seat, on the floor and just about everywhere else you can imagine.

 
Ladies, when that stream first hits the water, it causes a splash. Where the drops from that splash go is anybody’s guess but usually you can count on it landing on the rim of the bowl, on the floor, on the cute TP holder you bought at Bed Bath and Beyond, on the wall, or on the guy’s foot. And that is just the beginning! When the well is dry, there is the “Shaking Off The Last Three Drops” ritual and, once again, the drops can land anywhere. Like on the rim of the bowl, on the floor, on the cute TP holder you bought at Bed Bath and Beyond, on the wall, or on the guy’s foot.

 
And all of that is just for a normal urination. Then there is the emergency situation when a guy has waited waaaaay toooooo long and has only seconds to make it to the toilet before his bladder decides not to wait on him! He un-zips his fly on his way down the hall and reaches in to find the fly to his underwear! But, damn it, the fly is being contrary and can’t be found!!! He has only seconds so, as he is lifting the lid and seat with one hand, he is pulling the waistband of his underwear down and dragging his penis out and over the top! Too late!! He starts peeing before he can aim and the first of the stream hits the bottom of the lid and the bottom of the seat!! Or the rim of the bowl, the floor, the cute TP holder you bought at Bed Bath and Beyond, the wall, or his foot.

 
And then there is the one situation that we men never think about until it is too late. In this scenario, and it happens a lot, the man has been spending some amorous time with his wife or girlfriend and a different liquid has exited his penis. Only not all of it has escaped and this particular liquid tends to dry into a hard, glue-like substance and will plug up any small orifice it happens to be in. So, later when the guy goes to pee, he may be surprised to see two streams exiting his penis in different directions and different trajectories! It’s like trying to aim your garden hose and a leak in your garden hose at the same rose bush! Of course the warm urine eventually melts the plug and the man can pee normally again, that is, with only one stream. However, the damage has been done and there is now pee on the bottom of the lid and the bottom of the seat!! Or the rim of the bowl, the floor, the cute TP holder you bought at Bed Bath and Beyond, the wall, or his foot.
So guys, the next time you have to relieve your bladder, do a big favor for the person who cleans the bathrooms – have a seat!!!

Over The Top or Just Really Romantic?

Just heard a romance story and I’m not sure how to take it. Is this guy just the most romantic man in the world or does he just have WAY too much time on his hands?


Seems this couple have been together four years and, to celebrate the anniversary, the guy buys 101 small boxes (they come flat and have to be folded into a box!! That’s 101 times he had to put a box together!!) and into each one he puts a piece of paper upon which he has written one of the “101 Reasons I Love You.” (Once again, that is 101 times he has to write something different on a small piece of paper, fold it, and put it in a box!)
Now folks, I love my wife dearly, with all my heart, but I’m not sure I could come up with 101 reasons!! I COULD come up with 101 things about her or things that she does that I love, but I’m not sure that is the same thing.  But maybe it is, because that seems to be what this guy wrote on the notes.
The lady did not open them all at once – 101 small boxes at one time? That could get boring! Instead, she is opening them a few at a time over several days. Or weeks, maybe. That seems like a good plan to me as it prolongs the romantic moment for as long as she has unopened boxes.
I’m really on the fence, here.  Part of me thinks it is romantic, but a BIGGER part of me thinks it is just kind of silly.  Soooooo,  I want to know what YOU think!! Was this a truly fantastic romantic gesture? Or was it just over the top lame?  All comments welcome!!  And thanks!!

Let The Guy Do What He Loves!!

Today I am going to re-cycle the first post I ever made on this blog.  Time hasn’t diminished the story or the statement so I think it is still relevant to today’s audience.  Enjoy!!  Tommy

When I was in my early teens, I remember when our next door neighbor, Linda, was complaining to my mother about how much time her husband spent working on his race car and how he spent every Saturday night at the local drag strip racing it. Linda felt like Russ should be spending that time with her. She wanted him to fuss over her the way he fussed over his car. Being so young, I had no idea if Russ was paying enough attention to his wife, and I still don’t. I did know that Russ was fanatic about his car and had even built a bigger garage than the one that came attached to the house so he would have more room for the car and all the tools he needed to work on it. My mother didn’t know if he was giving Linda the proper attention either, I am guessing, because her advice to Linda did not address that issue at all. Mom was simple and straight forward with our neighbor as she said “Linda, Russ LOVES to work on and race his car. It makes him happy and he truly enjoys it. You need to realize that and stop complaining to him about it.” The incredulous look on Linda’s face I can still see today. She had fully expected my mom to agree with her that Russ should sell the car and spend more time with her. Mom continued “At least you know where he is, Linda. And you know he is doing something he loves. That beats NOT knowing where he is or what he is doing.” I don’t remember any more of the conversation. I may have become bored and gone out to play ball or ride my bike. But I do remember that, about a week later, Linda was again in our kitchen talking to mom when I heard her say “Midge, I have thought a lot about what you said last week about Russ and his car and I have decided that you are right! He DOES love working on and racing that car and I should let him do what he loves.”

At the time, I did not realize how smart my mother’s advice had been nor how insightful my mother was about men.  It was really just a way of life at our house that my dad hunted and fished and went to the sprint car races on ocassion and spent a lot of time restoring his old “32 Ford Coupe because those are the things he loved to do and mom never complained about any of it. In retrospect, I understand why my parents stayed together until death did them part, because they understood that they both enjoyed things the other did not and they never tried to deny one another the chance to do those things.
As a result, I have never understood why women would tell their man that they “couldn’t” play golf, go fishing, go to a baseball game or any thing else that he wanted to do. After all, she is his wife, not his mom. Women need to realize that by trying to deny a man something he loves, she is just driving him away from HER, not away from the activity he enjoys. When we get married, we are not giving up our individuality, we are just adding someone we love to the equation. As I look back at my life, I realize just how much my mother and father taught me about relationships without even trying. They just set a wonderful example that I have emulated without even knowing it.

 I think Kahil Gibran said it best “Stand together, but not too near together, for the oak and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

So, How Did You Two Meet?

People are always looking for new ways to meet members of the opposite sex, and the ways are boundless!!  Nowadays we have an endless supply of on-line sites that will hook us up with our soul mate for only a small fee.  I guess those work or they wouldn’t be so successful, but it is not something I would recommend to anyone.  As all my faithful readers are aware, I am decidedly “old school”.  So, from the old school, here are a few creative ways for meeting someone to whom you feel an attraction. 

I’m going to stay away from the old saws like “Do you come here often?”, “Can I buy you a drink?”, or  “You look a lot like my next boy/girlfriend!”,  because, face it guys and gals, these are really lame!!  Nope, I am going to concentrate on the un-traditional and quite creative approaches that, maybe, she/he hasn’t heard yet. 

A woman just told me that she met a guy because he bumped into her a couple of times as they were walking and then turned to apologise.  She isn’t sure if the bumping was intentional and frankly doesn’t care.  She met a nice guy and they hit it off!  If you try this approach, be careful!  Knocking someone on their butt is NOT going to turn out well.

You can take that one to the next level if you want, and gently tap bumpers with that sexy someone in a parking lot. Again, be careful as putting a big scratch on someone’s prized ride is not apt to get you a date but will probably get your insurance rates raised!

I don’t know if any men have ever tried this, but for the ladies, it is tried and true – drop something!  I doubt that many women carry hankies anymore, what with “the vapors” being a thing of the past, but drop a book, letter, bag, ball or whatever and any men in the vicinity will fall all over each other trying to be the one to pick it up for you.  It’s like opening jars, we just can’t resist helping a “damsel in distress.”   This will probably work for men, too, if you venture to try it.   After all, this is the age of women’s lib, ladies asking men for dates and equality of the sexes.

“Accidentally” leave a business card.  Don’t just hand it to someone or toss it on their table because that is just too self-centered and presumptuous.  Find a way to creatively “drop” it where the object of your desire can’t help but see it. For instance, at a restaurant or bar, if someone working there trips your trigger, leave it on the table with a note on the back for someone else.  Like “Fred, call me!” if you are a guy seeking a girl or “Linda, don’t forget the meeting!” if you are a gal after a guy. Guys don’t use a girl’s name and girls don’t use a guy’s or the person you are trying to attract  may think you are attached… off the market.   If they call you, it worked. If they don’t, you are only out a business card.

Be mannerly!  Especially you men!  My research has shown that women like men with manners.  Hold a door. Let her go first in the checkout line.  Take the shopping cart to the cart corral for her. Give her your seat!  Carry something heavy.  Get something off the high shelf.  And if she protests, simply tell her that your mother would never forgive you if you DIDN”T do it! 

And, finally, there is always the direct approach – stick out your hand and introduce yourself.  If you can get some eye contact first and your smile begats a smile from him/her, then walk right over and say “Hi, my name is Bob and I look a lot like your next boyfriend!”

Hairy Armpits Are Hot!!

Hairy Armpits Are Hot!!

A while back, I wrote a post about shaving body hair. Well, this one is about NOT shaving. Armpits.  Women’s armpits. 

I don’t know why this country became so body hair intolerant over the centuries, but I don’t think it is a good thing.  The good ol’ US of A has the highest rate of breast cancer of any developed country and I think I know why – shaving armpits and using antiperspirant!  We all learn in biology that “form follows function”.  That just begs the question, what is the function of hair in our armpits? Try this theory on for size – humans sweat, it is how we keep cool, and we tend to sweat a lot from our armpits.  I believe the hair is there to “wick” the moisture away from the body so it can evaporate.  Remove the hair, and the moisture can’t do that.

But wait! What moisture? Because women routinely slather their pits with antiperspirant, there is no moisture coming out anyway. All that sweat, and the bad things in it, is being forced to build up in the body right next to the lymph nodes that are usually removed during a mastectomy. Are you starting to see the connection – sweat, lymph nodes, breast cancer? 

Stopping your body from eliminating waste just CANNOT be a good idea! (Constipation comes to mind.) So we should stop doing it!

Now, if women only shave to be attractive to men, I don’t think most men would care if they stopped.  I used to live in The San Francisco Bay area and, being the home to free spirits from everywhere, it was not totally uncommon to see women with hairy armpits.  I didn’t find it to be gross or icky, in fact, probably because it was different, I found it to be slightly erotic!!  And I am not alone in this. Don’t believe me? Try Googling “Hairy Armpits” and see how many sites you find devoted to men who like it.

Enough about pit hair, let’s move on the antiperspirants. People use them because they are afraid they will smell bad.  I’m calling “Bullshit” on that one!! While I am NOT advocating for people to stop bathing, I do think we need to get over our aversion to normal, everyday human body odors. I like a little body odor emanating from my woman!  It is normal. It is basic. It is primal!! And it triggers a primal response!! And unless a woman decides to avoid soap and water for a prolonged period of time, you really can’t detect it unless you are close… real close.  And in that case, the person you are with is not going to care!

Now, having written all this, I feel I must confess….. I have one issue about my body odor.  I never, ever leave for a massage appointment without showering first. If I am going to be laying there in the altogether with all of my flaws laid bare to a perfect stranger, I at least do not want to offend their olfactory cells! 

I hope you can all forgive that little bit of hypocrisy

You Look Dashing, My Dear!

Men love to squire a gorgeous woman about the town.  It is a real adrenaline rush to have a beautiful girl on your arm who is dressed to the nines, making you the envy of every other man around!  But what a man doesn’t know is this – just exactly what are they saying when they see the happy couple?  “Don’t they just look great together!” would be nice.  “Wow! What a gorgeous girl and handsome man!” would be even better.  Either one of those is exactly the effect being sought.  But,……… what if the reactions are more like “How did HE get a girl like that?”  Or, even worse, “She must have real self-esteem issues to be with a slob like him!” 

No one wants those comments being directed at them! Your date wants the same thing you want, to be seen in public on the arm of someone gorgeous.  To be the envy of every woman around.  We need to make that happen for her just as she is making it happen for us!

Let’s face it men, which reaction we get is based entirely on how WE look, because we know our date looks ravishing!  She looks that way because she knows how to dress her body.  She knows styles.  She knows fashion.  She knows colors and cuts and textures and how to use them.  Sadly, most men don’t.  So we have two options, fellows.  One, we learn about style, fashion, colors, cuts and textures and how to use them. Two, we let our women dress us!!

I am partially color blind and thus have been “dressing challenged” my entire life.  I knew I didn’t look good based on the comments I received but I had no idea what to do about it.  Then I got lucky.  I met the love of my life!  She understood my angst when “trying” to pick out clothes to wear and she volunteered to choose my clothing for me.  Every Sunday, she would put together my clothes for the work week.  All I had to do was put them on each morning and go to work knowing that I finally looked “put together.”  On other occasions, including golfing, all I had to do was ask and she would go through my wardrobe and put together an appropriate outfit.

Then, I got lucky again! (Not NEARLY as lucky as the first time, but lucky nonetheless!)  I started watching “What Not To Wear” and Stacy and Clinton taught me which colors are neutrals (black, tan, gray and navy) and that ANYTHING goes with a neutral!  Now, I can not only pick out my own golfing attire, but clothes for other non-formal occasions as well.  I still depend on my wife for the dressy stuff, though.  If it requires more than two pieces of clothing, I always ask for help!!  (I still haven’t mastered ties! Never can tell which one looks best with “this shirt and this suit”.)  

You may be like me, never able to master the art of formal dressing.  But you can at least be able to select casual clothes that don’t clash on a regular basis.  And if you DO need help, don’t be too macho to ask for it!  ” ‘Tis better to ask for help than to look like a dork.” – Tommy Tuesday. 

Of course, you could only take women to places that require you to wear a tuxedo.  EVERY man ALWAYS looks great in a tux!!

Men In Skirts?

Well, it seems the fashion designers are once again unveiling a line of skirts for men. (From MackenzieImage – H&M’s Spring 2010 collection includes skirts & hosiery for men. That’s right, skirts and hosiery for men. Thoughts? http://bit.ly/7K6WJg)  Supposedly, men will find skirts more comfortable than pants, but is that enough to get men to wear skirts?  There is still this double standard thing between the sexes that just doesn’t seem to want to go away.  You know, the one that says a man who is promiscuous is “a stud” and a woman who is promiscuous is “a slut” or “a whore.”  “Stud” carries a good connotation, the other two not so much.  The same double standard allows for women to dance with each other in public and still be seen as hetero, but not so men.  And women have been cross-dressing for years, decades even, and it is perfectly acceptable. Again, not so acceptable for men. 

But let us say that we have all evolved beyond that.  That it is perfectly okay for men to dress in what used to be seen as traditional women’s clothing.  A man can now wear a shirt, tie and skirt to work and no one will bat an eye.  Sounds great, doesn’t it?  ‘Til you know the truth of it!!

First off, is there a fly in these skirts?  If not, then how do men go about urinating?  Will we all have to bundle our skirts around our waists and “sit down” as the girls do?  Not having had a lifetime of learning to do that, I can envision a lot skirts with large wet spots in the back!   Will urinals become a thing of the past?  Or will we learn to lift up our skirt and tuck it under our chin whilst “doing our business?”  Here I envision the wet spots in the front!

And how about leg crossing?  Men have always crossed their legs with one ankle resting on the other knee.  Would women now be the ones checking out the “beaver shots?” Or would they be called “badger shots?”  Most women I know don’t even like it when men wear a short sleeved shirt and, when they raise their arms, give everyone in the line of sight a wonderful view of their hairy armpits!  I can’t imagine the uproar when a crossed leg reveals the tidy whiteys or, worse, the thong!!  Or worstest, commando!!

And just where would men put their stuff? You know, wallet, change, chapstick, pocket knife, hankerchief, cell phone and the like.  Are these “man-skirts” going to have pockets for all of this? Somehow, I get the feeling that putting pockets in their hot new designs would not set too well with fashion designers.  Pockets would probably “ruin the lines.”  So what do men do?  Do we wear one of those Scottish pouches in the front, a kind of throw-back fanny pack?  Those would make taking a leak even more difficult than I thought!  Do we all start carrying purses? 

Okay, this is where men draw the line! You may get us into a skirt but we are NOT going to start carrying purses.  It’s just too………. girly!